Uh, Honey, Are You Okay?

 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

baby-gaga.com

      Ya know, I was warned about the effect hormones would have on my emotions when I got pregnant. I knew that I may cry easier or feel overwhelmed more often, but I have a tissue box, certainly I wouldn't feel like a crazy person...right?...anybody?... I was wrong, lol. It's really awkward to have to explain to someone you barely know..."no, really, I'm fine. Crying because my plans have been changed is a hormonal pregnancy thing, I really am fine." Welcome to the crazy train. You're life becomes a a hectic mess of dodging the dreaded SPCA or St Jude commercials, welling up because someone you don't even know is crying, and feeling like everyone is yelling at you. It's kinda like a more hardcore version of puberty - complete with zits. It's exacerbated my already present anxiety...it's like you're Ralphie from The Christmas Story and bullies Farkus and Grover are magnificently played by your hormones and anxiety. It's a two against one fight. Now, I would like to point out that eventually Ralphie beats the snot out of Farkus and Grover, but it takes a while and it's only after reaching a breaking point. Well, I've hit my breaking point. Yesterday was a really tough day, I felt lost in the throes of ever mounting anxiety, which was constantly finding nourishment in my new found hypersensitivity. It was exhausting, and eventually the continual stress manifested itself in headaches, stomach and chest pain. Enough is enough. Do I accept that, due to perfectly natural reasons, I am going to feel more sensitive and may cry in inappropriate places/situations. Yes. I know that I can't control that. But, do I accept ruminating on situations that I can't control and allowing anxiety to keep a grip on my life? Absolutely not. This body isn't just mine anymore, my baby is growing in here, and it's not fair that he or she is exposed to extra, unneeded stress. That may mean I won't be able to have a squeaky clean house, dinner made every night, or projects completed until this part of my pregnancy passes, but so be it. I'm not going to overwhelm or guilt myself into doing things that I don't have the energy, or stomach, to do that day. And anyone who tries to pressure me beyond what I can handle that day can have the full wrath of my hormones (kidding...or am I?)

      I've thought about some proactive ways to combat my stress, so it doesn't have any negative effects on the baby.

1. Accept my limitations. This will be on a moment by moment basis. I'm a perfectionist. There isn't a single person in the world that can be more critical of my words, actions and projects then myself. I am always searching myself on ways I can improve, and although this helped rocket me to the top of many of my college courses, it can be devastating when applied to the minute details of life. Some days I need to just lay on the couch and rest, just because Susie has a full time career and goes to the gym everyday while five months pregnant doesn't mean I will ever be able to do all that. I am who I am and I need to accept that my needs and body are unique.

2. Whether I want to or not, I need to meditate. Researchers from Harvard Medical School delved into the benefits of meditation, "they found genes that protect from disorders such as pain, infertility, high blood pressure and even rheumatoid arthritis were switched on. The changes, say the researchers, were induced by what they call 'the relaxation effect', a phenomenon that could be just as powerful as any medical drug but without the side effects. 'We found a range of disease-fighting genes were active in the relaxation practitioners that were not active in the control group,'" (Stephens, A. http://foodmatters.tv/articles-1/7-health-benefits-of-meditation). In other words, certain genes are responsive to the environment and mood of the host, and those genes can be turned on or off depending on those variables. Meditation can influence positive, protective genes to turn on. I have chosen to explore meditation by focusing on the Bible. I want to make it my new habit to spend some quite moments in God's Word, and then to focus on how that reading can apply to my life. I'm going to start doing this today.

3. Better lifestyle habits. In the beginning of  pregnancy, you will try anything just to relieve the nausea. If that means having a diet mainly consistent on crackers, candied ginger and tea, you do what you have to do. But as the pregnancy progresses and your food choices expand you may find yourself still, well, stuck. I can't eat solid proteins (steak filet or grilled chicken) or munch on my comfort foods (soups and Italian food). Even salads can be a challenge (unless you forgo any vegetable other then lettuce, carrots and cucumbers...and there isn't any salad dressing). So what do you have left? Breads, sugars, fruits, some veggies, some protein. It's easy start eating unhealthy out of digestive comfort and habit. It's also less time consuming, especially when you're always running on empty. However, to be honest, even typing all this just feels like excuses. I need to come up with a plan on how to turn my eating habits around. I still don't have a lot of options, but I have enough wiggle room where I should be doing better then I am. I also need to put aside a little bit of time every week to exercise, even if it's only stretching.

      Like I said, hormones are hormones and I don't see that changing anytime soon, but I can control my anxiety a little better. Writing has become a really excellent outlet, but I need to forge more weapons against my old, anxious foe. Verse to remember while I'm reining in these emotions: “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34.

To My Valentine

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”- Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

      You know, I wouldn't be writing this blog if Russell hadn't found me almost seven years ago. I've loved him my whole adult life...let me tell you about how my heart found it's match. I was eighteen years old and, like most girls my age, I was an avid myspace user. Although we had never met, I had seen Russell's myspace profile before, he was always dating and flirting with local models (infact, he had a literal pyramid of girls he was planning on meeting plastered across his page) so he was kind of a myspace celebrity (remember those? haha). I remember the day he sent me a friend request. He had bright blue eyes and long, multicolored hair. He seemed interesting right away, his page was decorated with lyrics from bands I loved, pictures of Edgar Allen Poe and he had various shout outs to his very much adored family. I don't think more then a week went by before he reached out to me, commenting on my pictures and page. We quickly realized that there was something more to our connection then mutual attraction. We would talk on the phone about philosophy, psychology and various art disciplines. He had a soft voice that would lift a few notes higher when he was excited or happy, and he seemed to know immediately that we needed to meet. He quickly deleted the pyramid of prospective ladies and put my picture, large and bold, in the center of his page, with the promise that he would meet me soon.

Our first year together, at the Cape May Zoo

      Our first date was one of the many reasons I knew that Russell was different from anyone else I had dated. He was a man. And I was awaken to the full realization of that statement when he told me to dress up for our date. I hadn't dated a guy who took me anyplace where I needed to wear a dress or skirt, it was always either the movies, pizza, or hanging out at some friend's house. Typical highschool dates. Russell was four years older then me and purposefully set himself apart as a new, exciting adventure for my young heart. I actually remember feeling quite nervous that night as I stood in front of the mirror, dousing myself in expensive perfume. Since I had never dated someone who I had only met online, my mom and I decided to play a little trick, in the spirit of good fun. When Russ came to the door he was greeted by my forty year old mother, who introduced herself as "Ashley." I remember giggling in the hallway for a few seconds before walking out to meet him. The joke didn't seem to sink in for Russ, he just smiled and shook her hand before walking into the house, I guess he knew I existed as I was, no matter how silly my sense of humor was. When I recalled this joke to him later he said it never registered to him that she was pretending to be me, he just assumed I was named after my mother then lol. I remember how startlingly bright his blue eyes were against his pale pink skin. His eyes literally blazed with different shades of icy blues and whites. He wore a light blue button down shirt and dress pants, and his long hair was styled in a messy, rockstar type of way. He surprised my family with a bouquet of flowers for me and another for my mother (let's collectively say "aww" lol), and he wrote down his phone number and the different places we would be that night for my mother to have. His confidence, thoughtfulness, and geniality were contagious, and I found myself surprisingly comfortable next to this beautiful stranger. He opened the door to his old convertible and helped me in, and we spent the next 30 minutes driving to the restaurant laughing and getting to know each other. There weren't any awkward silences, no moments of anxiety. He just had a soft, gentle way about him, and it put me to immediate ease. We enjoyed a delicious meal at an Italian restaurant, and as I sat down at our table he smiled and said that he felt proud to be sitting with the girl that every man in the restaurant was turning to look at. He made me feel absolutely beautiful. We saw a movie together before driving back to my house. He and I sat in my kitchen and sipped on green tea and talked for another hour before he left. We would continue to date until April 8th, 2007, when he sat me down on my couch and asked me to be his girlfriend.

My highschool graduation

      Russ and I have so many beautiful memories. One anniversary he took me to the beach and surprised me with a spread of strawberries and wine. He once covered our whole bedroom (ceiling included) with love notes and somehow didn't wake me up in the process, so I awoke to all different reasons why he loved me. He even took an art history class so he and I would be able to debate on various theories and techniques. I can say, without a shadow of doubt, that my husband loves me with his whole heart, and I have always basked in that love. Whether it was one of the many mornings that I would sit at our table and watch him dance around the kitchen, with a mixing bowl of eggs and salmon in one hand and a spatula in the other, or resting my head against his warm chest as he'd laugh at one of his favorite shows, Russell feels like home. He always has.

      And so this blog post is dedicated to him. Russell, you are my heart. God has used you in so many ways to minister to my life and spirit. From the gentle way you resolve arguments to how your hand fits in mine, you have become more then a friend or romance, you have become my family. You have taught me what love looks like, and it is glowing. I am so thankful to be carrying your child, I know that this baby will have the best daddy I could ever have given him or her, and a shining example of what makes a man, which is thoughtfulness, gentleness, strength and compassion - all things that you radiate. I love you, forever and always. Happy Valentines Day.

Your wife,

Ashley Elizabeth Guise