Uh, Honey, Are You Okay?

 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

baby-gaga.com

      Ya know, I was warned about the effect hormones would have on my emotions when I got pregnant. I knew that I may cry easier or feel overwhelmed more often, but I have a tissue box, certainly I wouldn't feel like a crazy person...right?...anybody?... I was wrong, lol. It's really awkward to have to explain to someone you barely know..."no, really, I'm fine. Crying because my plans have been changed is a hormonal pregnancy thing, I really am fine." Welcome to the crazy train. You're life becomes a a hectic mess of dodging the dreaded SPCA or St Jude commercials, welling up because someone you don't even know is crying, and feeling like everyone is yelling at you. It's kinda like a more hardcore version of puberty - complete with zits. It's exacerbated my already present anxiety...it's like you're Ralphie from The Christmas Story and bullies Farkus and Grover are magnificently played by your hormones and anxiety. It's a two against one fight. Now, I would like to point out that eventually Ralphie beats the snot out of Farkus and Grover, but it takes a while and it's only after reaching a breaking point. Well, I've hit my breaking point. Yesterday was a really tough day, I felt lost in the throes of ever mounting anxiety, which was constantly finding nourishment in my new found hypersensitivity. It was exhausting, and eventually the continual stress manifested itself in headaches, stomach and chest pain. Enough is enough. Do I accept that, due to perfectly natural reasons, I am going to feel more sensitive and may cry in inappropriate places/situations. Yes. I know that I can't control that. But, do I accept ruminating on situations that I can't control and allowing anxiety to keep a grip on my life? Absolutely not. This body isn't just mine anymore, my baby is growing in here, and it's not fair that he or she is exposed to extra, unneeded stress. That may mean I won't be able to have a squeaky clean house, dinner made every night, or projects completed until this part of my pregnancy passes, but so be it. I'm not going to overwhelm or guilt myself into doing things that I don't have the energy, or stomach, to do that day. And anyone who tries to pressure me beyond what I can handle that day can have the full wrath of my hormones (kidding...or am I?)

      I've thought about some proactive ways to combat my stress, so it doesn't have any negative effects on the baby.

1. Accept my limitations. This will be on a moment by moment basis. I'm a perfectionist. There isn't a single person in the world that can be more critical of my words, actions and projects then myself. I am always searching myself on ways I can improve, and although this helped rocket me to the top of many of my college courses, it can be devastating when applied to the minute details of life. Some days I need to just lay on the couch and rest, just because Susie has a full time career and goes to the gym everyday while five months pregnant doesn't mean I will ever be able to do all that. I am who I am and I need to accept that my needs and body are unique.

2. Whether I want to or not, I need to meditate. Researchers from Harvard Medical School delved into the benefits of meditation, "they found genes that protect from disorders such as pain, infertility, high blood pressure and even rheumatoid arthritis were switched on. The changes, say the researchers, were induced by what they call 'the relaxation effect', a phenomenon that could be just as powerful as any medical drug but without the side effects. 'We found a range of disease-fighting genes were active in the relaxation practitioners that were not active in the control group,'" (Stephens, A. http://foodmatters.tv/articles-1/7-health-benefits-of-meditation). In other words, certain genes are responsive to the environment and mood of the host, and those genes can be turned on or off depending on those variables. Meditation can influence positive, protective genes to turn on. I have chosen to explore meditation by focusing on the Bible. I want to make it my new habit to spend some quite moments in God's Word, and then to focus on how that reading can apply to my life. I'm going to start doing this today.

3. Better lifestyle habits. In the beginning of  pregnancy, you will try anything just to relieve the nausea. If that means having a diet mainly consistent on crackers, candied ginger and tea, you do what you have to do. But as the pregnancy progresses and your food choices expand you may find yourself still, well, stuck. I can't eat solid proteins (steak filet or grilled chicken) or munch on my comfort foods (soups and Italian food). Even salads can be a challenge (unless you forgo any vegetable other then lettuce, carrots and cucumbers...and there isn't any salad dressing). So what do you have left? Breads, sugars, fruits, some veggies, some protein. It's easy start eating unhealthy out of digestive comfort and habit. It's also less time consuming, especially when you're always running on empty. However, to be honest, even typing all this just feels like excuses. I need to come up with a plan on how to turn my eating habits around. I still don't have a lot of options, but I have enough wiggle room where I should be doing better then I am. I also need to put aside a little bit of time every week to exercise, even if it's only stretching.

      Like I said, hormones are hormones and I don't see that changing anytime soon, but I can control my anxiety a little better. Writing has become a really excellent outlet, but I need to forge more weapons against my old, anxious foe. Verse to remember while I'm reining in these emotions: “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34.

A Letter to my Child

"To be pregnant is to be vitally alive, thoroughly woman, and distressingly inhabited.  Soul and spirit are stretched - along with body - making pregnancy a time of transition, growth, and profound beginnings."  ~Anne Christian Buchanan and Debra K. Kingsporn, The Quickening Heart: A Journal for Expectant Mothers

Dear Little One,

      I saw you for the first time this week, Wednesday to be exact. You are beautiful already. You should have seen the poor technician's face when I asked if five people could crowd into the tiny ultrasound room to have a glimpse at your being, you have an eager family waiting! Mommy and daddy wanted some time with you first, so we went in privately and then your Gigi, Popi, and Aunt Tay joined us to admire your little presence. Want to know what I saw? Let me tell you what you're like at eight weeks and four days old...

      I should tell you that I recognized you right away, the technician didn't need to point you out. You're so cute that I could laugh and cry. You literally look like a little peanut (in fact, that was the first thing Uncle Zach said when he saw your picture). You squiggled around during the ultrasound, your tiny arms and legs kicking, before you'd settle back down and rest. It makes me smile to think that you're lying on your back, just relaxing, in your petite home within me. I can't wait to take naps with you. Anyway, I didn't cry until I saw your tiny heart beating, a bright red splash of color on the black and white screen, and heard the soft pounding of your heart (170beats/minute). You suddenly became so real to me, a life kept safe within my body. Your daddy could only describe it as "surreal." He already has been showing your picture to everyone in his office; you're also the background of his phone. After the technician carefully checked to make sure you didn't have a sibling in there (your Gigi was CONVINCED that I was having twins) she invited the rest of your family to come in and see you.

      I want you to know some things...

      First off, that you are so very loved. Your Uncle Fresh wanted to come down but he was sick, that's the only reason the office wasn't more packed (and your Mommom hasn't been feeling well, so we let them skip this time). Your Great Granna has already begun buying you some beautiful books, and reading them to my tummy! Your Gigi has also been book hunting, in fact, you already have a whole series waiting for you! Daddy is always keeping me on track with eating, making sure that you have the best meals we can give you. Although we won't hold you for 7 or 8 more months, you are very much a part of this family.

      Secondly, daddy and I pray for you more then anything else in our lives. The Bible says that when Elizabeth reunited with pregnant Mary, John the Baptist leapt within her in the presence of Jesus. The Bible also says that God knits us together in the womb. I know that God's presence is with you. You are treasured by Him- He absolutely adores children. It almost makes me tear up at the thought that He is with you, even before you have taken your first breath. I love you, and I know that you are having a special connection with the Lord, as all growing babies do. Continue to grow strong, my love.



      I can't wait until we meet, and I can read this letter to you myself. We are so excited to meet you.

      Love,
      Mommy

8 Weeks Old!

“You never understand life until it grows inside of you.” Sandra Chami Kassis

      Hi everyone! I have much to discuss, with so many amazing new developments in my pregnancy! I went to the doctor earlier this week to have my first prenatal appointment and discovered that I was further along then I thought! The baby is eight weeks old!

photo taken from medicinenet.com

      That means the baby now has budding fingers and toes, knee caps, a brain with both hemispheres (and neural pathways), a heart that beats 150s/min, liver, pancreas and eyelids. The baby may even be able to sit with his/her legs in front of his/her little body AND be able to move his/her tiny limbs! Despite all this tremendous progress, the baby is only the size of a kidney bean! Incredible! It's truly mind blowing to witness how quickly a baby grows within mother's womb. It's a week-by-week event. God is amazing!

      I originally made my appointment to better understand a confusing symptom I was having: pelvic pain. It's a sharp, shooting pain that comes and goes, and it primarily effects my pelvis and groin regions. I thought that I wasn't far enough in my pregnancy to be experiencing that symptom, which is an indicator of the uterus stretching, but my practitioner informed me that some women get that symptom early and she was sure that's what I had. After discussing my symptoms we made my next appointment and I received two scripts: one for my ultrasound and the other was a blood test. I found out later from my Aunt Robin that I can find out the baby's gender via blood test, which is 99% accurate and can be taken as early as 10 weeks into the pregnancy. Russ and I are so elated to learn whether we're having a bouncy boy or a sweet girl soon.

       How did this all begin happening so fast?! I'm so excited! Here's a picture of my growing belly!

Lessons in pregnancy

The thing that's nice about pregnancy is that in the end, you have a baby.
Ann Romney
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/pregnancy.html#MkY8cWKupHrA7Woo.99

The thing that's nice about pregnancy is that in the end, you have a baby.
Ann Romney
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/pregnancy.html#MkY8cWKupHrA7Woo.99

    

The thing that's nice about pregnancy is that in the end, you have a baby.
Ann Romney
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/pregnancy.html#MkY8cWKupHrA7Woo.99

 "The thing that's nice about pregnancy is that in the end, you have a baby." - Ann Romney

       Hey everyone! Sorry for neglecting my blog for a little while, to be honest morning sickness is kicking my butt. Some days (like today) I wake up on the right side of the bed, I can keep down my prenatal vitamin and can focus on more then catching some Zzz's. Other days (like most of the month) I'm gassy, nauseous, tired and generally a Debbie downer. My mom and husband have been helping me change my attitude (my mom makes me repeat the mantra 'I'm embracing pregnancy'...it wouldn't be so silly if I wasn't holding back vomit). I have noticed something through this experience-  attitude DOES make a difference.

   
       I don't like to complain, in fact, I think that complaining can appear ungrateful and disrespectful to the gifts God has provided. I never want to seem ungrateful to God for this pregnancy, but it's hard not to whine once in a while. For those of you who don't know me well, let me give you a glimpse into my mind: I'm phobic. It's true! I've always struggled with anxiety and some of those worries have transformed themselves into little monsters. One major source of anxiety is my sickness phobia. I know that the average Joe doesn't enjoy being sick, but for me it can be a spiraling mess of self diagnosis and nightmarish images of in-curable diseases. My husband and I have a long held inside joke that I go "from 1 to 10," in other words, something that starts out small in my life can soon grow into the size of a mini volcano. Now, imagine struggling with a fear of germs and sickness, and suddenly you find your energy zapped, you're stomach resembling something like typhoon and your body in a general state of continual discomfort. It's scary! It's overwhelming! Although I expected morning sickness when Russ and I decided to get pregnant, for some reason I didn't think it would be like this. I pictured morning sickness to be a momentary session with the toilet or a plastic bag, it would come suddenly and end suddenly, and I could continue on with my day. I didn't fully grasp the notion that morning sickness could be an all day affair. That you would wake up nauseous, force yourself to eat a bland breakfast while fighting your quivering stomach, that the prescription strength prenatal that you insisted on taking would wreck havoc on your changing body, that every hour you would need to repeat the process of force feeding yourself and have to struggle to keep everything down. You'll find yourself reading about how important remaining hydrated is during pregnancy, but find that water is one of the most powerful triggers for nausea. And don't try to sleep away the pain! Morning sickness likes to wake you up sometime between 2-5am and demand that you eat. The experience quickly felt like a tsunami wave that I was stuck under, swirling me around and around until I could barely tell what was up and where was down. It's exhausting! It took my husband and mother to remind me of some very important truths about this pregnancy:

1. My morning sickness was my new normal. Once I digested this, my whole outlook on this experience changed. I was viewing my nausea and exhaustion as "sickness," which was coloring my psychology on the situation. I was too sick to eat, too sick to walk, too sick to yadda yadda ya...the truth is: I'm not sick! In fact, I think the term "morning sickness" needs to renamed, because we are not ill, it's just our body's adjusting into a home for two souls. This whole experience is normal! Once I grasped that thought I could feel the panic slipping away: there's nothing to be afraid of because I'm not ill

2. To be pregnant is to die to self. The Bible says in Luke 9:23, "And he said to [them] all, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." This pregnancy is an opportunity to do some spiritual cleaning. I kinda think it's fitting that we're given nine months to prepare to meet our child, this means I have nine months to take some good, hard looks at myself in the mirror. The nausea and exhaustion has shown me a serious weakness in my character- fear; especially fear that effects my physical well being. The Bible says that there is no love in fear (1 John 4:18). Children interpret the world through the lens their parent's give them - I want that lens to be brave, direct and honest. This is a good opportunity for me to confront my fear of illness and be self controlled, not falling into the temptation of self pity and anxiety. It's a chance to die to a clinging piece of my old self.

3. This child is fearfully and wonderfully made. God has intrusted me with the development of a beautiful, little soul. This child already has his or her life laid out before God's eyes. He knows the first time he will kick, the first word she will say, what will inspire his first steps. God knows it all. This is a time to rejoice, even when I'm in pain, because I'm given a chance to partake in a miracle, I'm a door for a human being to enter the world. How gorgeous! I guess my mom was right with making me repeat "embrace pregnancy."

      Even though I don't always feel like writing, I'm going to try and start making it more of a habit, because I do want to work through this fear and remind myself of the great joy I've been given. So, here's a question to moms and dads, did your pregnancy teach you something about yourself?

Hormones and the Flu

No language can express the power and beauty and heroism of a mother’s love.
- Edwin H. Chapin

      Well, I'd love to say that I'm beyond hormones...that I laugh in the face of estrogen/progesterone surges...that I am calm and serene 100% of the time. But, then again, I'm a terrible liar. The truth is I just finished a dramatic scene of crying helplessly on my living room couch- it was even raining outside to add to the scenery. As I was curled up on the couch, tissue in hand, raindrops against the window, I thought...well, isn't this stereotypical. So, after one last blow into the tissue I straighten up and felt surprisingly better. What led to this momentary lapse of self control? I'll break it down into an equation: A sore throat and throbbing ears + being sent on a wild goose chase to find a doctor = full blown pregnancy meltdown. My primary doctor's office said to call my OBGYN, my OBGYN said to go see my primary doctor...meanwhile I'm at the mirror with a flashlight hovering over a particularly nasty looking sore at the tip of my throat....yuck! So, you can start to see the spiral of panic when I momentary think - oh my gosh, what if no one sees me! What if I'm stuck in pregnancy limbo where the OBGYN and the Dr both claim that my flu is out of their jurisdiction! Now, normal, balanced Ashley would quickly deduce that a doctor can't refuse to see me, someone would have to check out my symptoms, but hormonal, scared Ashley left crying messages on the OBGYN's phone line. *Slaps forehead* Ugh...I could go crawl under a rock at this point.

      I will say this - being pregnant and sick is really scary! Especially since this is my first pregnancy, and I'm only in my first trimester. My baby's organs are developing right now, so the idea of having any type of infection while pregnant is a terrifying realization. It also has taken a huge toll on my body, the flu on top of normal pregnancy exhaustion has made my energy levels completely wrecked. My throat and ears hurt along with my pregnancy nausea. It's a lot for one body to handle. I don't feel like I'm much use around the house...thankfully, my husband has taken that responsibility onto himself until I feel better. He makes me dinner (and breakfast the next morning), cleans up around the house, and finds time to comfort me all after an 8 hour work day and a 2 hour commute. Despite the unfamiliar territory of being ill and pregnant, I am nothing if not prepared. I've already researched what to do when your sick and pregnant and have already started loading myself up with water, water and more water. I'm also eating foods that strengthen the immune system - like kale and citrus.

Here's a list of how to fight off a flu when pregnant (whattoexpect.com):

Rest, and plenty of it
            
Water, and plenty of it
           
Lots of clear, decaffeinated liquids, such as teas and broths

Orange juice or other juices with vitamin C

Taking your prenatal vitamin, which contains vitamin C to boost your immune system and zinc to help fight off germs. And don't forget to get your vitamins and minerals the natural way — by eating food rich in nutrients. You can find vitamin C aplenty in citrus, strawberries, melon, kiwi, mango, papaya, broccoli, red cabbage, tomatoes, bell peppers, spinach, and a host of other delicious foods. Get your zinc from turkey, beef, pork, cooked oysters, yogurt, wheat germ, oatmeal, and eggs.
Eating fresh garlic — known to have virus-fighting compounds (if you can actually get it down), or using anti-viral spices such as cardamom, cinnamon, and cloves in your cooking

Humidifiers to keep the air around you moist (consider a warm mist humidifier)

Saltwater gargles to relieve sore throat pain (try one teaspoon of salt in eight ounces of warm water to get the fastest relief)

Steam inhalation or nasal lavage to relieve nasal congestion or sinus headaches (for lavage, dissolve a quarter teaspoon of salt and a tiny pinch of baking soda into eight ounces of lukewarm water, and use a nasal aspirator to irrigate — or clean — out your nasal passages)

Saline sprays to moisten your nasal passages (but make sure not to use the medicated sprays)

 *Update* I went to the doctors and have a flu. So, I've been pumping myself up with lots of water and vitamin rich foods. I don't think most people know this, but pregnant women are more susceptible to getting sick, our immune system is lowered. It's a good thing that our immune system is weaker, or else it would attack the baby. I have 2 more months of flu season to get through! Pray for me!

      I will say this - the combination of pregnancy and flu has re-taught me an old truth - God is in control. I've done my best to avoid getting sick and have been eating as healthy as possible, but the flu came anyway. I can't control the nausea, nor the ear ache, nor anything else. I've just got to pray and trust God.

Gurgle Here, Cramp There

     "Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle."  ~Erma Bombeck, If I Had My Life to Live Over

      Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. The Bible says that "children are a gift from the Lord," Psalm 127:3, and that's absolutely true. Ever since Russell and I started trying to conceive a child I have been praying over the process. Thankfully, God answered our prayers quickly, and within one month of us trying I became pregnant! As incredibly thankful I am to begin this journey and as excited I am to one day meet my little bundle, I am surprised by the types of pregnancy symptoms I'm experiencing. For only being about 2 weeks pregnant, I'm having some strong symptoms! I guess now would be a great opportunity to share when and how I knew I was pregnant.

      I don't remember when the nausea started, I'd say a week or two before I tested positive for my pregnancy, but that was my first hint. As any pregnant woman can voucher, the nausea experienced  isn't like your "normal" bout of nausea. It's a seasick-like feeling - a fleeting, fluttering nausea that sometimes goes away as quickly as it came, sometimes hovering around you like a bloated house fly, or it sends you racing to the bathroom. I haven't needed to throw up yet (yay!) but I'm not holding my breath that it will remain that way. My mother said her nausea hit her like a brick in the middle of the night, waking her from her dreams and sending her running to the bathroom. Another early symptom was my breasts. They became swollen, tender and full. Russell actually noticed the size difference before I did (is that surprising? lol) and I figured I had either gained weight (my appetite had also changed; I was always feeling hungry) or I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative, so I figured the nausea must be a winter bug and the tenderness must be from gaining weight. When the week of my period came and I still hadn't seen Aunt Flo by Tuesday, December 24th, I decided it was time to take a second test. Something felt different this time. Maybe it was the fact that Russell was home, getting ready for work, while I was taking this test; or perhaps it was the peace from God that I knew this test was going to be different - but I had a settled feeling that I was pregnant when I took that test, and sure enough my eyes grew to happy saucers when I saw the wonderful "2nd red line." That day I went to the ShopRite clinic to verify the pregnancy (getting into my dr office on Christmas Eve without an appointment? Yea, right). Russell and I surprised our parents with the Pregnancy Confirmation papers in their Christmas cards after exchanging gifts on the 25th. This past Christmas was probably the best Christmas I've ever had <3.    

      Since then my symptoms have grown. I'm ALWAYS tired. It doesn't matter how long I sleep that night - I'm still exhausted by noon! This isn't the type of exhaustion that goes away with a nap, sometimes a nap exacerbates the sleepiness, making me feel spacy when I wake up. Although I can have one cup of coffee a day without it effecting the baby, I still don't feel very comfortable drinking it. So if I need extra energy I normally sniff out something yummy to eat. Which leads me to my next symptoms: acid reflux and cramping. The cramping can get pretty serious, ranging from mild discomfort to feeling like I have my period (without any blood thankfully). It's normally in my thighs and abdomen. The cramping typically lasts all day. I don't know about you, but before I was pregnant I had never heard of menstrual-like cramping as a pregnancy symptom, so when the cramps continued it was a little scary because I didn't know if it was normal. My meme (paternal grandmother) said her cramps were awful and lasted through her whole pregnancy. Along with the cramping is another new experience - acid reflux. I used to be treated for acid reflux as a child, but I haven't had it for years. As gross as this is - that "burp of vomit" that is a classic sign of acid reflux has now become routine at night time when I'm lounging on the couch. I've had a few scary episodes of acid reflux after eating certain foods, where I get such terrible cramps that I have to lie down and wait until the attack is over. When the bout has passed my legs feel shaky and exhausted. This normally happens after eating really salty or fatty foods, like pretzels or cake.

     I'm so so grateful for this beautiful pregnancy; God has answered our prayers...and quickly! As annoying, painful or scary some of these symptoms can be - I'd rather have symptoms and be assured of a healthy, growing baby then to have none and worry that the baby's not progressing. Besides...fuller boobs are nothing to complain about =). I think the quote at the top of the page sums up how I feel: I don't want to obsess over the bothersome symptoms of pregnancy, I want to celebrate the beauty of the change! I think it's important to talk about the changes your body is experiencing, but don't get stuck there.

      Here's some questions for the pregnant mamas out there: did you have symptoms early in the pregnancy? Were any of the symptoms unexpected?