Goodbye to Colic

Motherhood has such an interesting taste...one experience building upon the next, creating an array of shimmering, lively emotions. In one day I can go through a gamut of emotions; some are slow brewing and ever present, like the steady love that overflows from every pore in my body for my daughters...a visceral part of my existence that has grown since their births. Other emotions can suddenly wash over me in tidal waves, cleansing my normally goal-oriented mind with the totality of their presence...that's what happened to me tonight.

It was around 6:30pm and Arabella had just finished her bottle. She's now three months old. She was sleeping against my chest as I quietly rocked her and watched TV. That's when it hit me, it was 6:30pm and she was sleeping...soundly...I may even be able to put her to bed...did I mention it was 6:30pm? My sweet Arabella normally suffered (as did everyone in the house with her) through colic from about 4:30-7pm every night. It had been that way since we brought her home. We even deemed that time in our evening as her "colic hour," as if giving it a nickname would somehow take the sting out of our aching feet and knees as we bounced her...for hours...while she screamed. A slight break in the steady bouncing would jolt her from a fitful sleep and into tears. She had been getting better with each passing night, but tonight was the first night that she completely skipped her "colic hour."

As I snuggled her close I couldn't help but tear up...partly from sheer joy and partly from grief. I know that sounds like an unlikely pair of emotions, but I've learned that sometimes that's exactly what motherhood looks like: mismatched and yet totally in sync. A laugh among tears. My joy came from the fact that my beautiful, blue eyed angel wasn't hiccuping back the burning acid that seemed to light her throat on fire. Her face was relaxed, her breathing was a light, content little snore. She radiated peace. I also felt elation that the hours of sobbing, which sometimes caused me to question whether my eardrums may suffer from permanent damage, were coming to an end. Peace and routine would soon shine through the curtains of our little family structure. It's a glorious feeling. But that's where the grief crept in. I felt strangely sad to be ending a stage in her young life already. Don't get me wrong, colic sucks, but it was still a stage in her life that our family traveled through, and now it was ending. She isn't a newborn anymore...it's official...she's now a little baby who's personality is starting to bubble to the surface. A new stage is beginning.

I'd like to point out that colic didn't infect every moment of Bella's life, thankfully. My bambina is allergic to milk and soy, and she also has acid reflux, so it's taken a long time for her belly to heal. Once we changed her diet and treated her reflux her days became sweeter. Most of her day would be filled with lots of smiles, sporadic kicking and her tight fists clumsily batting at her dangling toys. She especially loved to be read to. However, once 4:30 crept in her brownish-red eyebrows would furrow and she'd begin to squiggle uncomfortably, and then the water works would start.  

So goodbye to my sweet Bella's newborn stage. It makes me fill up just typing that. However, I am so happy that my sweet girl has become more peaceful. I can't wait to learn more about the loving, smiley little girl that she is growing into.

Arabella Jacqueline Guise the day she was born

Arabella at three months old

10 Months Later...

"All those cliches, those things you hear about having a baby and motherhood - all of them are true. And all of them are the most beautiful things you will ever experience." ~ Penelope Cruz

      It's been ten months and five days since Giavonna Grace was born! Can you believe it? Ten months! Where has my little baby gone? While rocking her to sleep at night I find myself gazing at her framed newborn photo, which sits on my entertainment center...she has changed so much. Her eyes were once a dark shade of blue, like the deep currents in a lake, and now they are as light as the sky on a chilly autumn day. She was 100% a Selfridge (my mother's maternal side of the family), with narrow eyes, a defined nose and bow tie lips...now she looks more and more like a Headley (my mother's paternal side of the family) with playful blue eyes and a wide smile. I'm just amazed by how much has changed in such a short amount of time.
     I know I have neglected my blog terribly these past months, but I do have a reasonable excuse: not only have I been chasing around my sweet, funny Giavonna, but I am also pregnant again! And I don't mean first trimester pregnant, I mean I am in my 34th week and preparing for my second round of labor soon. Go a head, I'll wait while you pick your jaw off the floor haha. Most people are noticeably shocked  when they find out how quickly my family has grown, but Russell and I chose to get pregnant again quickly, I''ll explain all about that in a later post. For now, let me update you on Giavonna's life.

FIRST MONTH 

The first three months of being new parents were blended into one sleepy blur. Parenthood is like learning how to swim by being pushed into the deep end, it's overwhelming at first, a little scary, but it's the most exciting experience of your life. I learned to adapt quickly, despite having no previous experience to draw upon, because the most precious human being I had ever met needed me; all of me. I grew up over the course of one night. Giavonna taught me endurance, not only during labor but all the nights after September 4th, 2014. Russ and I would set our alarm clocks to go off every two hours so I could breastfeed throughout the night. Russell would change her diaper and then gently rest our little angel on my lap, and I would sit quietly in the dark of our bedroom and breastfeed for the next 40 minutes before returning her to her co-sleeper crib and trying to fall back asleep again. I breastfed for five weeks before relenting to the bottle, I'll write about why I made that choice and what my strategy is for our next baby in a future entry. The point is, I don't think I ever realized that sleep deprivation is a physically painful experience, and it was something that God used to break us of our selfishness and to prepare us for the selfless ministry of Parenthood. That first month taught me that my wants and emotions were no longer a priority in my life, that a 7lb 13 oz little girl was more important then myself, and I willingly surrendered to that new adjustment.

Daddy, Gia and Mommy

Giavonna fit into our life as if she was designed to be held in our arms (which she was <3). Russ and I, who have always had a mild case of germ phobia, suddenly became aware of every cough in a room, and so we decided to keep Giavonna mostly at home until flu season ended. Having a baby caused our hearts to overflow with an intense love for every part of her being, but the cost was heightened anxiety until she reached about six months old. I remember sobbing after breastfeeding her one night because I was running a mild fever. I was terrified I that passed some sort of virus to my delicate newborn. However, after talking to my Aunt Cindy on the phone (she's a nurse practitioner and someone I have consulted in the past during another health related anxiety attack haha) I realized that one of my breasts was hot to the touch and red. I had mastitis, nothing more, and it wouldn't hurt her. Thankfully, my anxiety has gotten much better as Giavonna has grown. Those first few months gave me a startling awareness to how fragile life was.

My snuggly baby after her bath

Our precious angel

ONE MONTH OLD

I remember my mother telling me that the love she had for my brother and I was different then anything she had ever felt before. I didn't understand that until Giavonna was born. The love you have for your child is powerful, it's instinctual. It's deeper then any other love I had ever experienced. She is a part of my being; a piece of my soul. God built her by using my and Russell's genetic makeup, He cradled her within my body for over nine months, and then he placed her in my arms to hold and love until the day I die. I can't ever express in the English language the love I have for my child; it's beyond words. It gave me a whole new perspective on Christ's sacrifice and what God had to endure to reconcile us to Him. The agony He suffered to have a relationship with us...watching His own Son die such a torturous death so He could have a relationship with such imperfect creatures as ourselves... it's incredible how deep His love and commitment is to us.

Happy girl

Mommy and Gia enjoying a nap

Isn't she stylish? This was one of my favorite outfits

Our little pumpkin on Halloween

TWO MONTHS OLD

 September to December is my favorite time of the year. The earthy smell in the air, the crunch of leaves under my shoes, the tastes of holiday meals and festive music on the radio; I love it all. While I was pregnant I would daydream about watching Gia attempt to open the presents we laid before her on Christmas morning; singing merrily to her while I cooked some side dishes for Thanksgiving; taking her to Longwood Gardens to see the Christmas lights. I was delusional lol. The holidays with a newborn are not quite the Hallmark card I imagined. I barely remember Thanksgiving, I certainly don't think I cooked anything that day. Giavonna thought her gifts were interesting on Christmas, but all of us were looking forward to going back to bed (especially since I was in my first trimester at that point), and we never took her anywhere to look at Christmas lights. We were tired. We were happy, incredibly thankful, and totally inlove, but tired. I learned another important lesson: enjoy the special moments you have with your children during the holidays. Put less stress on creating the perfect atmosphere or baking a hundred cookies; instead, snuggle a little longer on Christmas morning before getting out of bed. Enjoy those moments, they're the ones that make the holidays so special.

Mommy and Gia on Thanksgiving

Like father, like daughter <3

Gia loving her story time with daddy

 Here's a neat little fact about Gia- she's loved books since we started reading to her! She even began to turn the pages in the book at a very young age. She gets her affinity for reading from me <3 Her favorite books throughout the past ten months have been: All Kinds of Kisses; The Bunny Rabbit Show; The Hungry Caterpillar; No Matter What.

THREE MONTHS OLD

 My favorite memory from Giavonna's first Christmas were made that evening. The past couple days had been extremely busy and the three of us were resting in the livingroom, letting the tv play in the background, when Russ picked up Gia and started to do tummy time with her. I watched from the couch, newly pregnant and still a brand new mom to my first born, and felt completely filled with bliss. Russell was everything I had ever hoped for in a husband and father to our daughter. He laid her on her belly and cheered for every head lift she made. His eyes were lit up with such joy and love...his beautiful blue eyes were the same soft blue eyes that peeked from under our daughter's fan of eyelashes. His laugh and her soft giggles were the most beautiful Christmas carols I had ever heard.

Our little puppy practicing sitting

Tummy time with daddy Christmas evening

Daddy, Gia and mommy on Christmas morning

Christmas Eve with her cousins (Ben, Kevin Jr and Mason)

FOUR MONTHS OLD

When Giavonna turned four months old I started to see her personality pop out. My quiet, observant baby began to softly coo, reach out to the world with hungry little hands, and participate in silly games like copying my cough. Her changes were breathtaking. 

Gia beginning to explore her world more, like by grabbing mommy's phone

Sleepy face in her carseat

Mommy's sunshine

FIVE MONTHS OLD

The fifth and six months of her life were a lot of fun. Her personality burst forth, and I began to realize that my baby had a sense of humor, which infected everyone blessed enough to encounter it. She would look at me and we would suddenly both burst out laughing, as if we had some sort of secret inside joke. The truth was simple, she just filled me with so much joy that laughing was my natural reaction, perhaps she felt the same way about me <3 Giavonna is not only very funny, but she's also affectionate. One of my favorite memories was a time that I talked to a friend of mine while grocery shopping not too long ago, Giavonna took my face in her little hands, smiled a great big one-toothed grin and gave me a kiss right on the lips. She wanted me to know that she was still waiting patiently to move on with our shopping trip, and she wanted some of my attention in the mean time, but she expressed those feelings in the sweetest way she could. She gives out hugs and kisses freely to anyone who makes her feel special, and she often falls asleep holding my or Russell's hands. Another interesting layer to her personality is her desire to express herself. Giavonna loves music, and will often create music of her own on one of her drums or pianos. She also loves to dance to anything that has a rhythm. She gets that from her father, who is a naturally gifted musician and singer. She enjoys expressing herself through some sign language and her constant attempts at words (she said her first word on Russell's birthday- dada!). Lastly, Gia is brave. Whether it's a new type of food, a new person she's being introduced too, or a loud sound outside, Giavonna doesn't scare easily. There have been swim classes where she was the youngest child there, and the only one not crying. She would gently pat the water and smile at me. It's amazing.

My valentines <3

Mommy and Gia during story time

Daddy cracking her up

Gia's loved eating solid foods since we introduced them!

SIX MONTHS OLD

Like I said in the previous section, her sixth month was a lot of fun. Along with her blossoming personality I also discovered that Giavonna loved to socialize with other babies. I remember sitting in the nursing room at church with some other moms and watching Gia babble back and forth with another little girl. She would listen politely to the mismatched sentences of "da ba mama shu" and then respond merrily with her own string of broken words while playing with a wooden toy. I couldn't believe that my baby, who wasn't even crawling yet, was making friends.

Isn't she sweet?

Mommy, Gia and daddy off on a walk

Gia and mommy at her swim class!

Everyone came to watch Gia have fun at her swim class! Left to right, front to back: Mommom, Gia, Daddy, Mommy, Granna, Poppop J, (back) Poppop H, Gigi, Poppi

SEVEN MONTHS OLD

Truth be told, my little girl is a good baby. The first three months were tough, but that's only because her whole world had changed, once she settled into life outside the womb I became hugely aware how peaceful her heart is. She mostly sleeps through the night, and if she does wake up she'll settle back down quickly with a binkie or snuggle. She finds something enjoyable about almost every solid food we've given her, her absolute favorites being meatballs, sweet potatoes, and cottage cheese. She's friendly and goes with the flow of my day easily. Honestly, she's just a blessing. There are nights when she wakes up frequently, but normally there's a reason behind her actions, like she's teething. There are foods she refuses to eat, like spinach and peas. But, overall, she has been a delight in our lives.

Mommy at 21 weeks pregnant, Gia and daddy on Easter

Easter morning!

I love her so much

One of my favorite pictures! I walked into the livingroom and found her propped up on her knees, playing with her toys. This was the first time she pulled herself onto her knees. I must have taken ten pictures of this moment.

EIGHT MONTHS OLD

A beautiful Mother's Day with my family in Cape May <3

Daddy making us laugh

Gia, mommy and daddy at our friend's Serena's bridal shower

 

Pretty face at a Memorial Day picnic

NINE MONTHS OLD

Father's Day kisses!

Gia, daddy and mommy enjoying the boardwalk!

A fun, summer day! Mommy is 33 weeks pregnant

TEN MONTHS OLD

I don't have any pictures to share for this month. We've been a busy bunch, getting back from our annual beach vacation and preparing for Arabella's arrival. I've had a lot of thoughts running through my mind that I've been eager to express these past ten months, so I look forward to sharing them with you =) Until then, talk to you later!

Giavonna Grace Guise

 “She was perfect. I knew this the moment she emerged from my body, white and wet and wailing. Beyond the requisite ten fingers and ten toes, the beating heart, the lungs inhaling and exhaling oxygen, my daughter knew how to scream. She knew how to make herself heard. She knew how to reach out and latch on. She knew what she needed to do to survive. I didn’t know how it was possible that such perfection could have developed within a body as flawed as my own, but when I looked into her face, I saw that it clearly was.”
― Vanessa Diffenbaugh, The Language of Flowers

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I last wrote, but between the exhaustion of the third trimester and craziness of having a three month old, I haven't been able to carve out time for writing. I'm hoping that can begin to change. Life has become an amazing adventure, and I can't wait to update you with all the exciting details!

Firstly and most importantly, my beautiful baby was born! Here's some photos of me the last month of my pregnancy:

08/23/14

08/30/14

08/31/14

To think I went into labor three days after the last picture was taken! I was definitely ready to get that show on the road, and apparently so was Giavonna =) Being nine months pregnant in August is not for the faint of heart. I would get winded and dizzy when walking from the truck into church (normally a two or three minute walk turned into at least five minutes), the New Jersey heat was literally like a bathtub, so thick you could swallow it some days. I would waddle behind my brisk husband, huffing in gulps of air, wondering if I could make it to the door or if I should just sit down in the middle of the street and take a break. Lol that would have been a sight. My husband teased that walking at my pace was torture for him, but I clung to his arm anyway, not trusting myself to make it into the air conditioned building on my own. So aside from the occasional dips in my grandmothers pool I spent my summer indoors. I missed the camping trips my husband and I would take, the concerts under the stars, going for long drives. By the end of the pregnancy I couldn't sit in a the truck very long or my sciatic nerve would start screaming, so I became a couch potato, counting down the days until my due date. Now there were some wonderful moments towards the end, like watching Giavonna dance across my belly or getting the house ready for her arrival, but overall I was antsy to meet her and completely over being pregnant.

Early labor lasted for a few days. The contractions started in my lower back, as if my back muscles were tightening into a fist and then releasing. I know that's a strange description but I can't explain it any other way. It was a deep, spasm-like pain that reached it's long fingers into my back, curled around my muscles, and then suddenly disappeared. Sometimes the contractions would be twenty minutes a part, sometimes sixty or ninety minutes a part. Sometimes they would stop altogether until the next day. Russell and I always had our timer in arms reach, so we could decipher if it was hospital time. The contractions didn't become regular until September 3rd. They were within ten to thirty minutes of each other, and I just had a feeling that it was time. Our first trip to the hospital was unsuccessful, and we were sent home undilated and with a high, soft cervix. I was so frustrated that I cried in the examination room, but the nurse encouraged me saying she believed the baby would be ready soon. So Russell, my mom and I drove back home, me still believing that my labor would progress that night. Around 10pm that night the contractions changed, and by 1am we were on our way back to the hospital, with contractions between 3 to 5 minutes a part. I was reexamined and it was discovered that I was 4cm dilated, hallelujah this baby was on her way!

The timer on Russell's phone- it was baby time!

Active labor is intense. The constant rhythm of back and pelvic pain jealously demands your concentration. I had my heart set on a natural labor, without medication, and by the grace of God I was able to experience that, but I would not have been able to get through labor without my support team, a hand held fan, and God's presence in that hospital room. The room was sterile and unfamiliar, but somehow cozy. I felt safe. I moved from the bed, to leaning against the wall, to my husband's arms, to sitting on a birthing ball, to finally settling into a rocking chair, it was the only thing that didn't transform the pain into something unbearable. My husband and I got into a rhythm, I'd whisper "fan" once a contraction started and he would hold the fan in front of my face until I slumped back against the chair, exhausted and preparing for the next contraction. Visual therapy was a constant beacon of hope to which I clung during the contractions. I would picture a white cross on top of a grassy hill or the beach a night time. Both reminded me that Christ had suffered so that we would have new life, which is what a laboring mother symbolically experiences, she suffers so that new life can burst forth into the world, so those images offered me an anchor to cling to. I knew I could get through it because He was with me. Sometimes I would mentally recite parts of Romans 5: 3-5  "3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Labor was an intimate connection to the Lord, a quiet communion with Him. His peace coated the images in my head, His Word would repeat in my ear, He was holding Giavonna and I throughout the whole labor, and it was beautiful. Her birth will always be a precious memory for me, not only because she was finally entering the world, but also because I spent the last moments before becoming a mother in worship and communion with my Savior. I will cherish those moments. Among relying on the Lord I also practiced relaxation techniques like loosening my hands and jaw during each contraction, that way the baby could descend through my pelvis easier and my body would be in a more relaxed state. Russell would gently remind me to breathe or relax throughout the labor, being my cheerleader and constant comfort. My mom also kept close throughout the labor, relieving Russell so he could steal a snack before racing between the delivery room and the waiting room where my family and friends were anxiously awaiting Giavonna's arrival.

Back: Mom Guise, Granna and Dougie. Front: Pop Guise and Pop Ale. Everyone excited for Gia's birth!

Granna and Doug waiting for updates and pictures

A tired Pop waiting for some news

Meme keeping up with updates

And then the pushing began. It's like a tight fist pushing down, acting as a sounding trumpet to make way for the baby, it's painful but exciting. I tried pushing while on my knees, bending over the couch, but I finally made my way to the bed and began the hard work of forcing Giavonna past my tail bone and out into the world. Mom held one leg, Russell held the other, and I crunched my still huge belly while pulling my legs towards me, screaming out exhales and using muscles I didn't even know I had. Pushing lasted 1-2 hours. I was beginning to lose a lot of steam and feeling weak when the nurse took my hand and pressed it against the crown of Gia's head. I felt her long curly hair, and was renewed and ready to finish this. After a few pushes later her head completely popped out, I remember hearing the nurse, doctors, Russ and mom shouting, "Her head's out! She's out! Push again! One more time!" I gave one more hard push and felt her body slip out, the way a fish feels when it's squirming in your hand, and heard her beautiful cry. She was out. My baby was born. Russell and mom were crying over the wonder of her, and I held her warm, wet body against my chest. She was beautiful, with thick black hair and dark blue eyes. She weighed 7lbs 13 ounces and was 20 inches long. She was born at 10:16am on September 4th.

Giavonna Grace Guise

Mom and pop relaying the exciting news

The first few hours were a glorious blur. It felt surreal. My family and friends shuffled in to celebrate Gia's birth while I laid in bed, cradling my sweet newborn baby, so happy to finally be holding her and preparing for sleep. Russ had a hard time sleeping, he would jump up and check on Giavonna every time she made a noise in her sleep, hovering around his firstborn. I, however, slept like a log haha. I was exhausted and took full advantage of my sore body, only getting up to use the shower or do a short lap around the room. I had a broken tailbone, some stitches, and the standard pain of a post birthing experience, but overall I was so happy to have Gia with us. We remained in the hospital until September 6th.

Giavonna in my arms her first night

Me snuggling Giavonna on Sept 5th

Skin on skin bonding with daddy

Gia and daddy

Poppop Guise and Gia

Night night Giavonna

I can't express the joy you feel when bringing home your baby for the first time. It's a declaration that yes, this experience was real, and now everything has changed. I couldn't wait to wake up and see her snuggled up in her co-sleeper, to sing her to sleep in the rocking chair Granna and poppop bought for us, to cheer on her milestones and wipe away her tears. Stepping into the truck with my baby was like stepping into a whole new life.

It felt so wonderful to get that postpartum shower, ohhh I can still remember how wonderful that hot water felt against my tired body. 

Goodbye hospital room

Where Russ and I ate our meals

Another angle of the room

Gia's take home outfit

A nurse wheeling Gia and I out of the hospital. We're going home!!

Sleepy girl

After Gia's first bath in her home!

Daddy lovin on his baby

Mommy showered and holding her angel

And so that's the story of our wonderful baby's birth. She's healthy and growing quickly, she's already 13 weeks old! But I'll write another entry to catch everyone up on the first three months of her life. Right now I just want to end with Scripture, because I think God sums up motherhood in these words:

"Children are a gift from the Lord;
    they are a reward from him." Psalm 127:3